Thursday, July 19, 2007

You love me, you hate me

From love’s first bloom to the stink of a broken heart, nothing conveys the hypnotic highs and crushing lows better than the breakup song.

Looking back at my catalogue of musical memories, some still bring a sigh, some schmaltz, but all represent a boy and a time.

I matured late…very late. Although I crushed on boys from just about the time I discovered them, I was an awkward, chubby and painfully shy kid whose military family moved several times a year. Even in high school, once I slimmed down and cooled up, I was the theater-girl and new waver, not the perky cheerleader or girl jock favored in my somewhat hick-centric environment. All the boys’ friend, but the boys didn’t want to do me. Besides, I wanted the boys in the band who wore eyeliner (a desire I pursued in grand fashion a few years later, but that's an entirely different post all together). It was around this time my lifelong relationship with the gays started. They had crushes on me and I loved them. At least as much as was possible. I didn’t really date and dip a toe until college.

Losing my Religion” – R.E.M.
Fresh out of school, degree in hand, living in Boulder and working long days but out all night. Early-20’s, with a huge group of friends, all of them like me. Probably the best time of my life. His name was Jim and from the first night I met him, I felt I’d known him forever. We were fast friends. We were close, emotional, never physical. I loved him and it was the first time I felt that way. The more my romantic feelings grew, though, the more standoffish he became. I poured it all out in a letter. It broke my heart and his. A decade plus later we’re still in touch. He watched my nieces grow up, get married. We both saw our careers hit bumps, then blossom. He wrote and published a book. I landed a dream gig as a real life editor. He met his partner Brad soon after leaving me in Colorado, and they’ve been together ever since. They send a Christmas card every year.

Come Undone” – Duran Duran
It’s no surprise the Brit demigods of my youth trickled down to young adulthood. I was single, he was not. I was in a relationship. He was having an affair. Even at 25, I was somewhat naive. Make that very naive. It just felt really good to be loved. Perhaps all girls need to be pursued and enchanted by a married man to discover true love is one-on-one and no respectable woman treads in anothers garden.

"Voodoo Lounge” – The Rolling Stones
Yes, the entire album. Represents the really good, then the really bad. I fell in love with Chris over many business calls. We worked together, albeit in different capacities and cities 2000 miles apart. After my dalliance with the ringed one, I was skeptical. Wounded and really scared is a better description. In fact, Chris said “I love you” first and I never said it back. But I really did. He called six years after, but it wasn’t meant to move backwards or go any farther forwards. I’m still afraid to commit. I hope I learn how.

Why don’t we have songs about the hook up or lusty interlude?


Lucyp said...

The power of songs to rekindle long forgotten boyfriends is frighteningly powerful. George Michaels Careless Whipsers and Buddy Hollys True Love Ways (long story) gets me reminiscing about long lost loves everytime.

Webmiztris said...

"Besides, I wanted the boys in the band who wore eyeliner"

yeah, that was how I felt back then too.

actually what the hell do I mean by 'was'? they STILL are my type! :)

Jodie K said...

Me too ;) Thing is, now they're about half me age.

Aries327 said...

Yeah, you can't be afraid to jump back in after being hurt. Realizing that has been the only thing that saved me. Stoker told me he loved me after only about two weeks of being together. I couldn't believe it and a part of me wanted to run away. Part of me thought, he's only 21, what does he know of love? But he knew more about it than all the older men I had dated.

Love sneaks up on you. I think you should go for the younger ones. They're untainted! (Stoker is four and a half years younger than me.) Seriously, if you can work through your baggage, you really don't have to worry about theirs. They have none!

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

"theater-girl and new waver, not the perky cheerleader or girl jock"

I loved them all! ;-)

Jodie K said...

See, Blue, you were the rare high school boy we craved (and would have made a cool John Hughes-sidekick-character). But in that day, in that school, the boys didn't want us new romantic girls. And truth told, who wanted chew and a pick up truck? Puhlease.

Jodie K said...

Know what Aries, think it came to me from writing it out that I don't trust myself and I've hurt too many people so far. Therein lies the problem.

Love sneaks up on you.
Yep, it does. Then I bash it over the head with the nearest sharp object until I've killed it but good.

Don said...

You matured late? I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever get to the point I can say I matured at all. Anyway, that "no respectable woman treads in anothers garden" is a valuable lesson and one I'm happy to say I never taught anyone, tempting as the student may have been. Anyway this was a very nice, feeling-provoking post.

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