Monday, December 31, 2007

(Black and) Blue Monday

Schleprock go away today and get to 2008 with a shiny, happy, clean slate. Monday thus far has been a black comedy of errors.

I wake up late (the holidays, much like Daylight Savings Time, throw off my internal clock) and dash to the gym only to find it packed roof to floor. The aerobics class I plan to attend, the same class I attend every-single-freaking day, five-days-a-week-sometimes-six, is wall-to-wall ass with no opening to be found. Every journey begins with one step and many feel the impeding passage of time just the inspiration to begin a physical fitness regime. But I will tell you a universal truth; we hate "new year" gym rats. We do. Really, really do.

My next stop, the liquor store, to pick up fixin's for tonight’s dirty martinis. Is everyone but me off work today? This quick trip fast becomes a test of patience. I forget how spoiled I've become to the wide open spaces of running errands during the work day. I count a half-dozen women, each driving (and attempting to park) an SUV built for twelve. Speaking of parking lots, what happened to walking? Why waste precious life moments lying in wait for the spot right outside the door to the grocer? Take a few steps. It’s good for you. And stay the hell out of my gym.

For a moment, however, the clouds part and a ray of sunshine befells me. I am asked for ID prior to my Stoli purchase. I am 42 years old. For all the primping and powdering and spraying and varnishing, the best look may be fresh scrubbed au naturale.

The happiness respite is brief. Having to return a package via UPS, I come by an office park with a drop box (drop box, self-checkout, online dating...it’s no wonder we don’t know how to interact with real live people anymore), slide my package into its silver jaws, and watch it clamp down on the favorite finger of my right hand. It's amazing the amount of blood that can flow from one digit. I yell to the universe, "I will not have this kind of day!!!!” I will fight the evil forces. I will move forward in joy and peace. I will be caffeinated.

The Starbucks drive-thru is a modern marvel. Overpriced coffee from the comfort of your car. We're lazy bastards, aren’t we? Some advice; if you don’t know the drill, stay out of the lane. Like life, the fast lane is for those of us who know what we want and how to get it. And if you order for a car load, or the gang back at the office, you will be beaten with your own car antenna.

I am home now, somewhat worse for the wear. Tonight I will cast aside the remains of the morning and relax with hand rolled sushi, my best girl friend and the gay men across the street (finally, some interesting neighbors). We’re having a pajama party. I believe the way you leave a period of time, such a year as it winds down, is how you will enter your next. I plan to be drunk. And happy.

Happy New Year.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Santa Baby

A Connecticut woman accused of groping a mall "Santa" has been charged with fourth-degree sexual assault. In all fairness, she may have misinterpreted the meaning of the wholly innocuous, "I have a package for you".

The UPS man better watch out.

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