The phone rang at 1:30 this morning. The first thought, of course, “This can’t be good news”. Rarely does “good news” come ringing out in the middle of the night.
“I want to date you”, Tom said. “See if we’re friends, see if we could be more.”
Having no large backlog of experiences to think myself a woman of strong emotional desire, one that makes a man lose sleep and pine in the night, the moment was…well, we’ll get to that. This is really just the beginning, after all.
Two events occurred recently that changed everything; made me really look at who I am (the good – surprisingly – and the not so good), what I want and (gulp) need. The first was Chris’ return. Once again, he called out of the blue and from 1639.66 miles away. Hearing his voice on the phone made every organ in my body - my brain, my heart, my unmentionables - tingle. He’s told me some wonderful things about myself that I hadn’t listened to in a long time. Made me feel that I was and am and can be a woman that’s memorable. Desirable. Worthy of being figured out, worthy of having my hand held when I was upset. Worthy of mattering. But it won’t be with him. But it could be with someone.
The second filled these pages for the past thirteen days. Sometimes, pain can be so huge and so desperate you need strong, willing, passionate arms tight around you to keep your heart from bursting through your chest. I haven’t been held like that in the last thirteen days. I don’t want my soul to fall out of my body again without having the courage to be vulnerable. I want a man to be there just for me. Because he wants to, really wants to and will be. No matter what. I didn’t go back to his home, his family, his funeral. I couldn’t go alone. I thought it might fracture me to bits, with no one there watching out for me, no one to sweep them up. And I regret it. Now it’s not just about dating and cocktails and sex. It’s about more. Real connection and maybe building a family for me. Ironic, I’m scared to death.
Which brings us to 1:30 this morning in my bed and something akin to “Adventures in Dating”. It will take several chapters to explain how I got from there to here (and I have some funny stories to tell), then many more to see where it all leads. This is “JodieKash Romance TCB Tour 2008”, in progress for many months with a sad, but perhaps necessary and karmic, interruption.
My heart is as big as all outdoors, a little cracked but excited and nervous and disappointed and beating fast and sunken and open and…ready.