If I were living the lifestyle I choose now while in my teens or twenties, the girls and the boys (and the parents) would have labeled me “easy” or worse. At this point in life, however, it's exciting to be empowered, confident and openly sexual.
I'm not the typical girl you find in my age bracket. I never married (never really wanted to, still don't). I look, act, dress, speak and behave 10 years younger than the birthday calendar states. I’m successful in and love (capital L-O-V-E) my job. The money I earn I spend on me, and I don’t skimp. I want to know all about you. I smile. I look directly at you. If you want to see my tits, I’ll show you. I like sex and men and I don’t see the need to be committed to just one to fulfill the other. I don’t question the source of attention. My conscience is absolutely clear. Is lust cheating? Is imagination illicit?
I met a new, and I hope lingering, friend at a dark bar 11 p.m.ish Friday night. Just me, on my way home from a proper “date night out”. He’s the guitar player. I ordered a vodka, sat at a small booth and watched him play, especially his hands, graceful with long and lean fingers. We discovered later our hands are nearly the same size. I’m attracted both to him and to the idea of him. I’m the writer; I think he’s attracted to the idea of me. We’re both bright and well-spoken, attractive, engaging and interesting. When we talk, we share stories of conquest; I think it excites us both to share sexual escapades. He’s a man, I’m a woman and two anatomically correct sides of a similar coin. We pursue casual companionship without definition. There’s energy, validation in telling it to the other. Feels at times we try to "one up” each other, creating ever more grander and epic tales:
You had full on sex?
I'll woo a new buddy today and have him over and in within 24 hours.
Enjoyed a variation?
I'll swing from the ceiling.
You had two? Here’s three.
I arouse him, he turns me on, but doubt we'll ever do more than speak it. When we met tonight, and had the chance to sit and talk during a set break, he told me he was wearing a shirt stained from a late afternoon in VIP (where every day is anything can happen day). "It’s rock and roll”, he said. It was also a nice shirt. I wanted him to walk me to my car because I wanted to kiss him, not romantically, but to bond us as interesting, exciting friends who don't fuck. Each other at least.
Are we abnormal, him and I? He asked. Do we have issues with true intimacy or connection? I feel more healthy and aware and sexy and creative and desirable and witty than I did in my 20’s. The attention is mine now. I’m that girl.
I like being that girl.