Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Goin' Out Of My Head

During a buckled down work morning - on deadline once again – I received a request from a peer. Checking the company directory, her picture popped up and I was stopped by a sunny, pretty face. “Kimberlee”, even the name spelled cute. My full, given name is not cute. It reads more like that of a Slavic princess, the kind of girl whose beauty is measured by the wide span of her back. A man told me recently the name “Jodie” fits me – fresh and young and lively. I like that. Growing up a “Jodie”, however, I always felt like a boy, or worse yet a frumpy and plain girl. Why couldn’t I be a Leah or a Brooke?

The initial reaction to pretty or handsome is odd and curious and often times unrealistic. I immediately thought my colleague so fortunate. Blonde hair (the real blonde, a mixed hue of cornflower and straw), high cheekbones, engaging smile enhanced with a shine of coral gloss and beautifully sculpted chin. Funny, she actually looks very much like my very best girl friend in high school. Her e-mail address indicates she resides in or near West Palm Beach. Of course, living the sunny Gidget lifestyle, girls in bikinis and boys doin' the twist.

I don’t know her, never talked to her, but envied this girl from a small profile picture, created an entire persona and lifestyle around a few pixels. We do it all the time. I created a story about the MILF at the gym, two-tone, blonde on black long extensions, fake boobs, overly tanned to a shade resembling purplish red. Too much makeup, too long false nails. Trying hard to hang on to an outdated look yet considered by most men “hot” all the same. And I disliked her immediately. Worse yet, I disliked myself in comparison.

I wonder if men look at other men and find insecurities in themselves. I usually like who I am a great deal. Try to be kind to myself, remain mostly positive and, yes, drink too much and sometimes behave in a manner I regret in the morning. Worry too much about being judged. Someone told me recently, “I admire the way you're living…of wanting to be real, not settling for someone else's idea of behavior. I think you are living, or trying to live, by a higher standard.” Have to remind myself of that when I feel hollow or unworthy. To quote Andie Walsh, nee Molly Ringwald circa Pretty in Pink, “That’s a beautiful theory.”

It’s all a package, the candy coated shell down to the nougat center. I got an e-mail yesterday from a boy I’d met out Friday night. By pure chance, he’d come across a personals ad I’d placed in Denver’s Craigslist. He wrote, “I came across that ad and said, ‘Hey I know that girl!’. It is definitely a small world. I'm totally shocked to see you in there. You should have no problem finding a guy.”

“Finding a guy”, that term reads so funny. Reminds me of the best line in “Forrest Gump”; Lt. Dan asks Forrest if he’s found God to which he replies, “I didn't know I was supposed to be looking for him, sir.“ How do people “find” each other? Get past the initial moment, see farther than the beauty (or the average), the body (or the belly), past the quirks and down into the charm and get into someone’s head. Often feels like my mind and body are enveloped in a protective armor, well maybe more so a chicken wire fence. You can poke your fingers through the holes but never fully grasp the real me.

I have no guy. I have no one really pursuing me for something genuine. I have no date to my niece’s wedding in two weeks.

Some days I feel only the fat rolls.

12 comments:

Miz UV said...

I think that MILF goes to my gym, a place where I'm glad I'm married and don't have to worry about looking good while I work out (as if). I wear frumpies -- my yoga pants are floods, and my sweatshirt has a kitty on it.

Online dating strikes me as more frustrating than it seems at first because theoretically you have so many many many people to choose from, but then don't you start thinking well I could do better: I could get all that PLUS this and this? I know I would! I bet men think that way. Or not. Actually I have no idea how men think.

Miz UV said...

P.S. I met Jeff via a personal ad, but this was long ago when they were in magazines. Maybe it's the same, but it seems different cuz you'd get an actual letter with handwriting.

Jodie Kash said...

"Flood" yoga pants...you are so cracking me up, baby.

That MILF is in EVERY gym ;)

I so want your story behind the personals ad, doll. Details. I've meet some nice guys, some just horny. I can tell pretty quickly who's interesting. But I have found, with all my recent adventures, I REALLY have no idea how men think. NADA. But many want to tell you and help you figure it out.

Miz UV said...

It's not really that exciting. Jeff had just moved out here and wanted to meet peeps, so he placed an ad. I had just left my first hubby and was on my way out of a restaurant with my parents when I grabbed this freebie magazine while we waited for the car. I read the magazine when I got home and saw his ad. I figured it was probably too soon to date, but figured it would go nowhere anyway, so I replied. Apparently he received a boatload of responses, and I made the cut. He met three of us, I think, and liked me best cuz I wasn't a self-absobed bitch. (Hah! Shhh.)

Oh, I guess it's a little bit funny that he put "Jewish" in his ad, they forgot to print it, and part of the reason I liked his ad was that he didn't mention religion. Later when it became an "issue," he reminded me that I answered an ad from a Jewish guy, I said, nuh uh, and showed him the cut-out I had saved. Oops, it wasn't there. So, logically, he should have given it up.

But instead I "converted."

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

I work with the MILF'S sister. She is way too chatty and air headed.

I put my real height 5'5" on a dating site I got one or two emails. I put mu height at six feet and got tons of emails. Everyone on line is looking for Mr or Mrs right.

I started hanging around central market more. ;-)

Jodie Kash said...

Blue, there is def something to be said about the "real deal", the chemistry, which is exactly my prob with online dating. Of course, I post a profile with a good deal of my tits out (see blog pic) and get ever so many more responses than a "respectible" me. And you're dismissed more quickly too. That part is funny. Sad funny.

Don said...

I always thought the online scene looked kind of exciting. But that's cause I was one of those married guys cruising the sites way past his wife's bedtime. Now I imagine it as just a veneer of amateur advertising over the same old everyday we see on the street. Except the sites full of hot twenty four year olds. Those are shills either for prostitution or con games or both and have I got a murder mystery worked out on that theme. Somewhere. Forget where I put it.

Don said...

Note how I was all well-behaved and didn't say anything about feeling your warm little fat rolls. Must a been the chicken wire.

Jodie Kash said...

My fat rolls thank you, baby. They tend to recoil.

p.s..the feeling is more due to sushi rice and over-soy'ing. The bloat. Sexy ;)

Miz UV said...

What is it with Asian food anyway? I thought it was supposed to be healthy. Last night I had 2 wontons and only half a pad thai thing, yet today I feel bloated and yuck.

Joe the Troll said...

"That MILF is in EVERY gym"

She seems to have missed mine.

Jodie Kash said...

ehhh...but let me ask this, Joey Kitten.

I met the MILF's daughter yesterday. She is (at a minimum) very late 30's to mid 40's, placing her mother's age (even in Appalachian countin') at around 52 - 55. My instructor believes she is 60.

Would you hit it?

Search me