Sunday, June 15, 2008

Can you hear me when I sing

It’s just hours into the new day. Today is Father’s Day, June 15th, 2008. It’s the first ever without. On the verge of weepy all week and living a bit in my head. Ironic. It’s because of my Dads’ unexpected death a few months ago that a new version of me emerged, built back stronger after shattering like a pane of glass and with thousands more reflective rays. Never really believed I was worthy of respect from a man, love from a man, any men. The first love affair a girl has is with her father, and it shapes every male relationship to come after. But in an all-too-short handful of months, after 40-some years, I let him love me. Exactly as I am and exactly as he could. And he did. And I loved him right back. He’d love me even more now because I finally do.

It took his heart to stop beating for me to get that.

Saturday I went to hear music my Dad would have liked. He turned me on to Johnny Cash; I knew “At Folsom Prison” front and back before grade school. A singer introduced a tribute to his late, and obviously much beloved, Uncle. He sang of a man, “drinking his greyhounds”. I wept behind big, black shades, tears that had wanted to come for days. I chatted briefly with the singer/nephew later; he introduced me to his son, Jake. "A greyhound is vodka and grapefruit, isn’t it?” I asked, knowing the answer. The question threw him before he replied, “Yes, yes it is”. My Dad drank greyhounds, called them his “juice”. I may put back a couple later today.

This year I could have perused the racks at Hallmark without vetoing a majority of the cards, being careful with selection and sentiment. I could have sent any one. Maybe just knowing that means something more than a heavy paper stock signed, sealed and delivered via U.S. Postal. Still wish I could have sent one, though. And I wish for time I can’t have to expose more of the surface we scratched.

But we got through a thick layer.

4 comments:

Don said...

lots of hugs

Miz UV said...

Lovely post, Jodie. It was my mom who got me into JC. I made it through Mother's Day numbly. Sounds as though you're doing better than that. Take care.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

At least you are strong about it all

JodieKash said...

"Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!" ;)

Learning and living through it, is all. Learning so much.

This is perhaps the best time of my life.

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