And, I found, most of them are sweet liars.
I crave attention, attention from men. It’s not FC (Feminist Correct) or empowering to admit, but I do and I am. I want to be special and like no other woman, someone to dream about. The best sex. To realize at the end of the screenplay it was me all along.
I’ve been kidding myself.
Most everything I thought was (or could have been) genuine isn’t. Never was. For all the easy let downs, the simple truth would have meant feeling less like a stupid girl. Gullible. I thought I had better in me. And I don’t. I even flirted back again with the married.
All that echoes right now is what I lack, the faulty ingredients. I’m disappointed to let it affect me for one second, one phone call, one e-mail, one night of lonely and a slip into old and thoroughly embarrassing behavior that shone a harsh light on reality. None of it’s been real. None of it is has created friends, or lovers or confidantes. Just a girl who thought more of herself. I’m not so special after all. Mostly it hurts. Yes, I got hurt. Mostly I feel the bricks and mortar coming up.
Life is funny, how realizations and events come crashing down one after another, like a house of cards; the “rule of three” where bad things come in a trio. Maybe we believe that coda in order to tell the universe, “Okay, three. That’s it, I’m done. No more bad” and await the good. In three days, 72 hours it all unraveled. I don’t think tears have a place because I don’t want to cry. I want to be better than it. I don't what acknowledge my failures. I don't want to be let down again.
When people show you who they really are, believe them. I read or heard that once, it’s not mine. I’ve had a bit of writing creating itself in my head about emotional empathy, and the lack of it. “Empathy Deficit Disorder (EDD)” it’s been tagged:
"We unlearn whatever empathy skills we've picked up while coming of age in a culture that focuses on acquisition and status more than cooperation and values ‘moving on’ over thoughtful reflection. Cultivating empathy has its own rewards: The more you do it, the better your relationships are and the more you want to continue."
Amen. I’ll start with me.