Monday, June 16, 2008

The Morning After

----- Original Message -----
To: Jodie Kash
Sent: Monday, June 16, 2008 9:36 AM
Saturday was a lot of fun. Glad we went to the street fair.
How did you do yesterday with father's day? I was thinking of you.
Christine

----- Reply Message -----
From: Jodie Kash
Sent: Monday, June 16, 2008 10:13 AM
Saturday was fun ;) I had a great time and glad you liked the band. This is why sometimes when I feel like I don't wanna go out - just stay home and watch Lifetime - I go. It's easy to stay in and mope, but more often than not you feel so good after.

I was actually okay yesterday. After I got home Saturday I was up until 3 a.m. writing about it in my blog. Something happened during the Hickman-Dalton set that sort of let some of it go (and I talked to Jim Dalton about it after, when he was signing CD's - he is such a sweet, oddly shy man, asking, "Was the show okay? We weren't sure about doing an acoustic set outdoors. It was okay?") He always gives me a nod and smile from the stage and a hug. Remembers my name. He's a spirit I was supposed to meet, however casually, wouldn't even say we're friends. I first met him right after my Dad died; he and Johnny Hickman played a pickers night at a guitar shop and some friends took me to lift my spirits. Jim's Uncle had just passed and another of the musicians had lost his Dad too (just weeks after mine). It was one of the first nights since all the crazy I felt peaceful and noticed I was smiling at the music; sharing grief and absolute pure joy. Music saves me from damage every time; it's no wonder I want to be close to the people who make it. To close the set Jim asked for "Will the Circle be Unbroken", not what was planned, because we all wanted something uplifting and to honor the loss in the room. I always disliked country music, you know that. My Dad loved it. Called himself “Joey Kash" (which is why I write as "Jodie Kash", an ode to him). Maybe he had a hand in me finding this, maybe it's why it makes me feel really good to be around it, maybe why I finally embrace and celebrate the artist I am. It's not just a crush on another guitar player ;) I never thought I was worthy of a good man (parent, friend or love) because I never felt good enough for my Dad. But before he died, I started loving me and loving him and I actually feel the change in my head. Change your mind and change your life. I'm still boy crazy and a little awkward and over the top at times, but I know how valuable I am and how a good man is a fool to pass that up. I never, ever could say that and mean it. Really.

Okay, enough Oprah. Talk soon,
Jodie

2 comments:

Don said...

I never thought I was worthy of a good man ... because I never felt good enough for my Dad.

How many women shortchange themselves this way? And men when it comes to women, too. It's all subconscious, instinctive, very difficult to undo.

It's so awesome that your father's spirit has found a way to give you this gift of coming to know how valuable you are.

JodieKash said...

I concur in spades, baby ;)

And true in reverse, I have come to love men.

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