Forget historical significance, change and the political process, Election Day is all about the freebies. And a good day for the hungry, homeless and horny.
Crack open crusty eyes with a cuppa Starbucks Joe and a Krispy Kreme. Settle a Mad Dog hanger or sooth a bleeding ulcer with a creamy, milky scoop from Ben&Jerry’s. Tummy still rumblin, get a Chick-fil-A sandwich or free apple pie with that Big Mac purchased with coins. Downtown, curl up in cardboard at some street meters; parking is free today.
Long lines and curtained booths get you hot? Get yer grip around an adult toy courtesy of Babeland retail stores:
"The rewards are no-so-subtle reminders of this year’s campaign rhetoric. For men, it’s the 'Maverick,' a 'sleeve' for self-pleasuring. According to a press release, 'He’s always there to lend a hand, he works for every man and he bucks the status quo.' Women can choose the 'Silver Bullet' mini-vibrator, 'a magical solution to difficult problems' and 'a great stress-reliever during these troubled economic times!'"
After all, voting feels so good.
Last, if you’re rethinking that “VPILF” inked ode to Sarah Palin, New Look Laser Tattoo Removal in Dallas will burn it off proper.
I'm proud, and full, to be an American.
Go vote, bitches!