Monday, November 17, 2008

The ties that bind

The best way to cut my cats nails is to cover her head with a dishtowel. Hiding from the reality of it, taking cover let’s her block out the fear and tension. The anticipated pain.

“I will begin by saying I'm truly sorry for your loss”I may have dreamt the last 11 months and seven days.

“This letter is definitely not designed to bash anyone”
It’s not talked about anymore, just is. But like lilies in church at Easter, it reappears at holidays.

“He is still grieving. I'm not sure about the rest of you”I handled solitary well, learned from it. Sobs can come from deep in the belly and half a bottle of Stoli neat removes all guard. A stranger can find his way to your door in the middle of the night after I-can't-be-alone-anymore-make-me-feel-better internet chat. I never did figure out where the shallow red threads etched in a forearm came from. Cat scratches. Yeah.

“You have tried to punish us for having a family and each other”Yes, he does look good, he’s doing really well since the separation. Do you see I’m 30 pounds smaller? Trying a stuffing recipe found on Food Network. Did she not hear me say, “I need you to be my Mom too?” Did none of it happen? The baby is coming any day now. Do you see I can’t smile? I’m scared if I expose teeth a fist will swiftly push them down my throat. Again.

“I'd appreciate if I weren't brought in this family feud”
No guns or line in sand drawn. Not sure what happened, really. Woke up one morning without anymore. Simple as that, my Dad was gone and soon so was most everyone else. One-little-two-little-three-little-Indians.

“It's amazing how you have not even acknowledged our suffering”
Is there a statue of limitations on isolating, devaluing and shattering family? A reinstatement ceremony? I'm never going to be invited back, am I.

“Continue the disappointment”
Okay. I probably will. But less with myself.


Lisa said...

I feel frustrated for you, and I don't even know the whole story. I guess I can just sense the "girliness"--that drama that we all hoped we grew out of but just kept popping up. Why do we need to make sure others suffer "properly"? Why can't we determine that any letter that includes "This letter is definitely not designed to bash anyone" or statements like "I'm not sure about the rest of you," is most definitely supposed to bash someone? Why can't we women just say what we think, and if we are too ashamed to say the evil thoughts in our heads, then maybe we should stop thinking them, instead of feigning holiness and being sure that everyone else is to blame.

Arg. You have us, Jodie. Always :) Just be a Reeder.

JodieKash said...

Goodness, Lisa, you have a special nook in my heart. For someone who doesn't "know the whole story", you absolutely hit every note. And I feel somewhat validated - how's that for "girliness". The quotes are from an e-mail sent me by family three weeks - weeks - after my Dad died. Never wrote about it until now.

Ole Blue The Heretic said...

That seems like a lot to put up with, glad you had the Stoli.

/brandon\ said...

I think it is called synesthesia when your sensory perception processes another sense's normal attributes, like feeling sounds or hearing tastes. I felt like I could hear the sights and see the sounds in this.

Miz UV said...

Hugs, Jodie.

Don said...

I was too confused to do anything but listen. Now I know my guess was pretty close. Hugs from me too.

JodieKash said...

Considering I borrowed heavily from the Brandon style of writing, huge compliment. I am happily amazed in those moments anyone actually gets me.

Thanks for the love...all good.

Search me