Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Christmas (War Is Over)

I have every hope 2009 will be a good year. I believe and feel it. Optimism empowers. I’m excited the worlds view of us may change, that new leadership may begin to correct past failures, build a stronger foundation and protect that which inspires us. Forge paths unheard of, unseen and create more self- awareness and motivation. Find a clearer view of goals, however far in the distance, and fight fear disguised as something else. Get up off our fat asses and take care of our bodies, feed the soul. Simply take care of each other. Simply figure out how to love.

Ironic, after months of building core strength, my back erupted in a crescendo of spasms last night. I pulled it, damaged it again sitting on the floor, wrapping Christmas presents the night before. I had only one Aleve tablet rattling in a rarely used bottle, which is funny since they usually go two-by-two. I sobbed from the pain and vodka-enhanced sadness. I have so much work still to do.

I've been labeled “selfish and self-centered” by a man who also said he loves me a little. And via e-mail, which just makes cruelty easier to deliver. I never thought of myself as either; perhaps I'm both. Something tells me to protect and preserve at all costs. When did I get so scared? How do I not be? Maybe feeling, knowing that hands might catch you as you fall is a good place to start.

“Estranged” is a funny word.

es⋅trange [i-streynj]
1. to turn away in feeling or affection; make unfriendly or hostile; alienate the affections of
2. to remove to or keep at a distance
3. to divert from the original use or possessor

I have every hope 2009 will be a good year. I believe and feel it.


Miz UV said...

Sorry about your back. I have to be careful of mine because of scoliosis, and back in the day when I wasn't so careful, man, that hurt. It impacts my life in small but annoying ways, such as I cannot stand relatively still for more than fifteen minutes, so long lines are out. Can't try things that might make me twist/fall, such as skating. Etc. And then there's my neck...

Anyway, yeah, optimism ... I haz some going on here, but I don't like to presume too much and jinx anything. Suffice to say, 2008 sucked because of losing my mom, and though good things happened too, that pretty much wrecked the year for me.

Most likely a man who calls you selfish is just saying that you're not giving 100% of your attention to him him him, so to hell with that. How do you love someone a little? "Well, I would care if you got a fatal disease, but not if you only break a leg."


Crys said...

i agree with your take on the new year. i feel like the economy is going to get better, for one. i think with gas this low it's somewhat inevitable.

BUT. i am sorry this person said this to you. i would want to protect and preserve as well. i've had people in my life categorize me this way or that in an attempt to bring me down to their level -- maybe by doing so they think it'll be easier for me to be with them.

never worked.

confidence prevails every time, and you do not seem light on that.


Jodie Kash said...

@Miz - MUAH

@Crys - MUAH

The ladies always get it. The smart, confident ones at least. My reply to the comment? I'm not selfish, I'm not self-centered; I'm just not what you want me to be.

And I threw in a "fuck you".

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