Wednesday, March 18, 2009

This foolishness can leave a heart black...and blue

Ever wish you had ready access to one of those strong man towers found at the traveling circus, the kind you whack with a comically oversized soft mallet to determine strength or hotness quotient?
Don’t you wish there was such a machine to measure happiness?

The blog of late has been a bit introspective, a little boo-hooing. I blame both spring and yoga for the deep look inward. And the fact I haven’t been laid in months. Kidding aside, it’s a time for change and renewal and recycling. It feels safe to express the gray out of my fingertips rather than face-to-face. I’m not brave, especially given the core of who I was and who I was told to be. My wants and needs have flip-flopped. With so much having fallen away, it’s a rebuilding time. I insist friends hold me up, where in the past I was the foundation. Can’t save myself anymore or, more succinctly, I choose not to. I want to trust hands will emerge and catch me when I stumble. I plan to stumble along for a while yet.

I’m still a flirt, a cad some think. But don't invite the saucy girl over and get mad if the top comes off, know what I mean?

If I run away briefly, catch me and stop me. If you want me. I don’t want to hurt, and I have been hurting. And left collateral damage, hurting others in the process. I apologize where I've helped make those beds. But I don’t accept the blaming. I get when I’ve been used.

Each morning I embrace the day. I love my spirit and my body and my choices, I’m aware of my loneliness as much as my independence. And I’m a good person. I struggle to understand why or if anyone does or would love me. That’s truth. Some do, I know, because the feeling reflected back in simple ways and manners empties my chest in joy. They know it. Those two are my spirit, like oxygen always there. I have to stop forgetting to breathe them in.

Because when I’m given nothing it’s all I’ve got. Stole that from Bono.

Love to you that love (or tolerate) me.


Lisa said...

The Reeders love you. You know that already :)

Crys said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Crys said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jodie Kash said...

@Lisa - Oh goodness, I love the Reeder's. The Badal's too.

Guess some others changed their minds. I'll call it a misspell and skip away ;)

Search me