Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Fresh as a daisy on a Summer's Eve

Much like a gorilla in the mist, I’m a groomer. I pick and pluck and razor and buff and shine and trim and polish my body suit.

Or is it chimpanzees? Baboons? I like the baboons because of those bubble gum pink bottoms they happily show off. But I digress...

I like to groom. There’s a rogue chin hair with the power to regenerate daily, just one, thin but prickly. My dentist just turned me on to a 3-minute whitening gel, strong and fizzy at 32% peroxide. Just a squirt into molded trays, few minutes inserted while in the shower, then spit, rinse and dazzling chompers. I like how it bubbles up in my mouth.

Of course, shaving. I shave every time my body comes in contact with water, trimming the lawn if you will. And girls, an old stripper trick learned from an old stripper - after shaving the bikini area (always, always use a disposable designed for this purpose; they’re smaller and easier to maneuver), a thin swipe of a natural deodorant stick to the biscuit with stave off pink razor bumps that look like your business has some funky business. I use Tom’s of Maine Apricot for a fruity finish.

Don't get wrapped up like a douche, Manfred Mann. With regular maintenance, totally unnecessary. Save the vinegar for a salad.

My newest find is the PedEgg™, a palm size cheese grater for the feet. This little nugget shears away dead skin and rough patches, handily capturing “shavings” in a storage compartment. Took some scrubbing, but did the trick. I didn’t produce the mounds of epidermis dust the ladies in the commercials file away, but I got a good sprinkling. Looked like parmesan cheese.

Oh Q-tips® cotton swabs, ohhh the Q, a product marketed for use other than what we all do with them. We want it deep in the ear canal, give it a good wiggle. Pure eargasm ecstasy, so yummy the tickle extends into the back of the throat. Give it up, Johnson and Johnson, you know what we’re doing with the Q. No need to be coy. Like the “back massagers” sold at Walgreens these fuzzy babies boldly go elsewhere.

Unlike the chimp, I don’t groom others and can absolutely, without fear of reprisal and in all certainty-vow-forever-and-ever-amen, that I will never squeeze anothers' pimple. Some ladies salivate, wait for the precise moment of pink swelling and poppage. Let it cure and fester, nails at the ready to dig in. Perhaps it's born of caveman beginnings or primate evolution.

I would rather lick any part of your body than free pimple juice.

2 comments:

Annie said...

Ped Egg is the greatest invention since sliced bread. Love it.

Jodie Kash said...

@Annie - I bet you could slice bread with it too. Def make crumbs.

Search me