Thursday, April 23, 2009

Live Through This

Talk about a rollercoaster of emotions, a mind fuck of a day.

Tuesday night I enjoyed an amazing and much needed evening with a man I know only a little and it was good, the stuff of bodice ripping novels and “Dear Penthouse Forum” openings. Momentary connection and release, situational opportunity. Once the jitters shook out I lapped up every second. So did he.

You should learn when to go, you should learn how to say no

By Wednesday afternoon he hadn’t called, e-mailed or sent out smoke signals. I think like a guy, understand most in our situation don’t. And like him I’m “unburdened by...puritanical guilt."

Well they get what they want, then they never want it again

Mine's a lifestyle of overdue adventurous pursuit and I like it that way. Then Wednesday morning someone else, somebody in real life, offered something more, dinner rather than lunch, and I became hopeless rather than hopeful. Because somewhere in my gut I don’t trust, don't believe any of that possible, really. And that leaves me feeling nothing but on my own.

And the sky was all violet, I want it again but more violet

Connecting physically, regardless of the steps before or after, is often more honest, definitely more fulfilling, than the cheating spouse, straying boyfriend and in-the-dark girlfriend or hopeless flirtation. So another intelligent, sexy, devious and charming man turned my head and held my attention for a week then a few hours more. I don’t care to separate his fact from fiction.

Go on take everything, take everything, I dare you to

I dare you, too.


Paula Light said...

Hmm, is that Hole? Sounds familiar. I don't see what's so terrible about the casual stuff, except for the practicalities (kooks, disease, what.ever -- and then you can get hit and killed by a car while jogging, too, as did our former family doctor).

Out of everyone I know in an LTR on more than a superficial basis, there is only *one* person whom I don't know for sure is unhappy with it. Mindboggling. It's such a cultural brainwashing myth that happy LTRs are the norm.

Jodie Kash said...

@Paula – Yes, and I am doll parts. Told a friend today I don't think relationships come down to luck, but awareness and truth and trust. Of the three, I'm good with awareness and truth, even if mine may be unseemly to some.

The trust needs some tinkering, but I have the wrench in hand.

Crys said...

sometimes i think it's cellular. triggers way deep in we don't know anything about until they're pressed.

for me, mentally it's easy to say "well that makes sense, now fix yourself". then i peer into the morass of my "insides" and see that wow, i have no idea where to start. it's murky in there. there are things i've forgotten. things i want to forget.

cellular. makes us who we are. we are imprinted upon like little ducklings.

fingerprints on a glass.

Jodie Kash said...

@Crys - I erased, burnt away, a bit of the fingerprint on my right hand after reaching for a tea cup in the microwave with metallic paint in the handle. My imprint changed, after pain, and a lesson learned.

Good to see you back.

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