Friday, June 26, 2009

Sex and tacos

At several points today I could have let it get the best of me, driven to bark or into the old tunnels of marginalization where I’ve left crayon drawings on the walls.

It didn’t.

Used to declare love for my gym, now I say I like it. Management and staff change hands so often I haven’t pinpointed which surly desk clerk will pop a stink eye at my request for two large towels. The spinning bikes are worn already, rode hard and put away damp. The seat of the first I mounted slipped slowly through warm-up until my knees hit armpits. Moved, re-adjusted and enjoyed the tunes and coach who inspires me back again and again for ass and private area beatings.

Stop for an iced coffee and manna that is the Einstein chocolate chip bagel. Waiting patiently on line, holding a tiny crinkled bag of whole wheat and cocoa, the woman behind me jumped line. An “excuse me” and a jump. She then produced seven individual coupons - one free bagel each – and walked out with a gratis half-dozen-plus-one. I stood dumfounded for a minute as the overly athletic blonde behind the register took my bill.

“How are you this morning?” she asked. “That lady just totally jumped me in the bagel line. Not like we’re at a U2 concert of anything,” I smiled backed. Blonde Amazon gave me the bagel for free. I watched coupon-cunt zip out of the parking lot while picking her nose deep and in abandon. Hope anyone at home steers clear of the jalapeƱo bagel.

Home minutes when a ding alerted the boss wanted to chat. Annual pay review. My employer has a sneaky way of “freezing” raises. Like a super competitive game of professional dodge ball, we're rated on a scale, last man standing gets the green:
4 - your days are numbered
3 - hanging by a thread
2 - vanilla
2+ - (seriously) vanilla will a caramel swirl
1 - perfection, once begotten never begat again.

I got my 1 early in the career then settled comfy in 2+ for a decade. This year, well goooollly Gomer, I rated a 2. Quizzed the boss like vanilla crazy. “What could I improve on?” “Where did I lack?” An ace at management speak, he said everything and nothing in one breath. No raise for me.

My company CEO cashed a check of $1.8 million in salary and $5.8 million in a bonus-like payout in 2008. I’m Julia Roberts walking Sunset and handing over 50% each night.

The evenings free summer concert was cancelled mid-day “due to weather.” Something gray and green blew in for an hour or so before the sun returned. Worry not, the fling had e-mailed earlier, asking to come visit tonight. When one crotch closes, another opens and I quickly shifted gears to moist. Showered and powdered and dressed in a snug surprise under Michael Kors short black dress. Stepped out quickly to grab what I think is his favorite sixer, got it good and cold. He didn’t show.

Angry? Eh, more hungry. Changed into Vicky Secret lounge pants and thin white wife beater, sweated onions and seared ground turkey loaded with crushed tomatoes and a sprinkle from each jar on one side of the spice rack. Made blue corn tacos topped with shaved chipotle cheddar, the result almost as tasty as the sex I should have been having. Almost. Found a profound docu on telly and threw in a load of laundry. No plans for concerts in the sun or black lingerie tomorrow; really haven’t thought much past a morning at the gym and long steam.

Sounds like a good weekend coming up.

In just a bit may pop some corn in coconut oil, dressed in real butter and sea salt, washed down with a couple of frosty orphan Fat Tires and curl up with Conan. Don’t question me but I find him a sexy beast.

You’re welcome to join. Or not.

I’m good. Alive. And how are you?


Anonymous said...

This is a good one, Kit! Life off script is by nature unpredictable...but usually the surprise is a good one. Right now it is tacos for me - but who knows? Some fine day soon it may be the sex ... and I'm SURE I won't be expecting it at all ;)

Don said...

Playing a board game with a gang of teenagers. There are hundreds ways worse.

Your writing is very sensual; the writing of a manifold sensualist.

jorg wobblington lopez said...

If only I knew what you were talking about.

Jodie Kash said...

@Anon - Need to work on that nickname for you, Butter Bean. Hey!

@Don - Never been called a manifold anything. Grrr.

@Jorg - Talking about tacos and sex. Had tacos, didn't have sex. The tacos were good.

jorg wobblington lopez said...

Oh, now I get it.

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