Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Fire Down Below

The ultra-sensitive reaction may be more medical than situational.

Something yeasty is rising in the south (readers biologically related or uncomfortable exploring the nuances of said region should possibly flip over to TMZ for celebrity gossip or the latest on the reality-star-swimsuit-model murder).

I’ve been ingesting a Tiffany blue pill daily, doxycyclin, for a simple facial rash. A “light” antibiotic, I got over the easy morning nausea quickly. But erased from my memory is one unfortunate side effect of antibiotics to a woman’s reproductive system. Ions ago I took tetracycline to manage mild acne and the resulting, occasional ricotta cheese after-effect became a regular annoyance. But since moving to a lifestyle where pills and potions and prescriptions are few and far between, I’d been immune to that special lateral itching and burning. Until now.

The ladies feel me. Men, imagine if I held a BIC lighter to your ballsack.

This simply does not fit into the daily plan. Forget spinning class, I'm super sensitive and "aware" of there and not in a good way. Flame throwing, pulsating like it has its own heartbeat, I sort of want to hold an icy cold can of Pepsi to it.

Ventured to the nearest Walgreens for over-the-counter relief that came in the form of a $20.99 insert. Looked a good deal like the Mrs. Grass chicken noodle golden flavor nugget, a soft and squishy pellet. Once inserted soothing and cooling should wash over and in, and my pink Vicky Secret flannel shorts report a more tolerable sensation. Can only hope after Riesling-lulled sleep to awake to nothing more than a a bad memory. “One-day treatment” was printed on the box after all.

I have things, and people, to do.

8 comments:

/brandon\ said...

ha. like i can even feel my sack anymore. sigh.

jorg wobblington lopez said...

Fire down below? Sounds like hell.

Jodie Kash said...

...as long as someone else feels it for you, B. Ba-dum-bum! Thank you! I'll be here all week!!

Pearl said...

Ack! It's been quite a while since I've had this particular problem, but I do recall thinking that a bottle of something strong and a fork would not be out of line!

I feel for ya, sister!

Pearl

Nothing said...

You see that is why women should not wear panties. Panties cause infections because panties hug the sweet spot and trap moisture.

Women should be free in all ways.

From your old friend.
Nothing

Anonymous said...

I can't stop laughing at this post. "ricotta-cheese"...eww, "bic lighter to a ballsack"....A+ for imagery, icy cold can of pepsi on "it"....yeah sounds good....I hear Yoplait helps....and "Mrs. Grass".....I'll never feel the same way about soup. If the writing dries up....perhaps you should try stand up!

Amy

Anonymous said...

Funny funny but you should have titled it "Fire in the hole"! Rosebud

Jodie Kash said...

Hell, indeed. Sensitivity meter off the charts last night. I nearly broke his nose from wiggling.

I've been shoveling in great spoons of live active culture, unflavored, no sugar yogurt. Eating it too.

“Fire in the Hole” coulda got me banned. This is a family site…uhhh…yeah.

The return of the Amazing Pearl! And Blue! I should write about universal crotch issues more often ;)

Search me