Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Giving thanks

Received an incredible Thanksgiving gift this week. Not that we give gifts at Thanksgiving, turkey legs wrapped in foil (other than Reynolds aluminum) or tulle tied around steaming mounds of apple and onion stuffing.

Feeling a bit bleak and adrift in the boy-girl-relationship-duck-duck-goose pond and wondering what the hell kind woman I really am, I turned to a friend whom I met for the first time in leg warmers and parachute pants. Fate and serendipity (plus Internet sleuthing) brought us back into a space separated only by miles.

She gave me a song.

Oh why you look so sad
The tears are in your eyes
Come on and come to me now

It wasn't about a boy. Not really. In the scars sewn up but where you can still see the tear, folded neatly into my emotional baggage is the feeling of simply. not. mattering. Believing regardless of words or actions the affection is fleeting or could dissolve with little effort.

Don’t be ashamed to cry
Let me see you through
Cause I’ve seen the dark side too

I woefully dislike the word “deserve.” No one deserves or has a lock on happiness or love or fidelity or family or friends or self-worth. These things are earned. I tried, really tried for so long to carry the load up heavy steps of acceptance. But I was too fat. Always too cheeky. Too smart. Too dumb. Too threatening. Too closed off. Too scared.

When the night falls on you
You don't know what to do
Nothing you confess
Could make me love you less

Genuine female-to-female relationships are often impossible. We expect so much, we hide so little. We mistakenly forgo the permanent women in our lives for the momentary men. We fall in love with the wrong people and return to our women as they feed us, “He doesn’t deserve you.” Deserve.

So if you're mad get mad
Don’t hold it all inside
Come on and talk to me now

I’ve been judged, have you? Anyone living out loud, off script has been. Those who can't accept your falling down insist you stay there and suffer. Take one more kick to the ribs then forgive. The cost of redemption just a small piece of your heart.

I’ll stand by you
I’ll stand by you
Won’t let nobody hurt you
I’ll stand by you
Hey, what you got to hide
I get angry too
Well I’m a lot like you

I’ve been hurt by those whose blood I share. Have you? Those who wanted, demanded, plugged into a vein drawing more, more, more. I didn’t stay for the cutting, not theirs . I blood let in private because you can't hurt me like I can hurt me.

When you're standing at the crossroads
And don't know which path to choose
Let me come along
Cause even if you're wrong
I’ll stand by you

Blind love isn’t real. Unconditional love is. Unconditional, not limited by conditions. Simple and complex as that. No matter the outcome, no matter the secrets revealed, I’ll be here, running the other way when you flee out of fear. I’ll catch you.

And when, when the night falls on you, baby
You feeling all alone
You won't be on your own
I’ll stand by you

I leave the door unlocked, and some choose to walk through it in the dark. I have much to be thankful for.

1 comment:

Don said...

Love that song, and the lady who sings it. Your depth and your prose poetry are also a blessing.

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