Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Meet Virginia

Ladies, it’s time to take back your business.

Your vagina. Say it loud, say it proud and hold out the “ggghhaaahhh” sound in the center.

Borrowed a copy of the January 2010 issue of Cosmopolitan Magazine from the gym (I’ll return it once done perusing; I leave my Vanity Fairs and 5280’s, a sweaty, bacterial coated library). I read Cosmo religiously as a younger woman; it’s something of a right of passage. Interest waned in the breezy content and stilettos-worn-in-the-bathroom models, but I’m looking to freelance articles to pop culture magazines, newspapers, Web sites and the like and needed to gain a feel for content.Sunk into a hot bath and began to peel back the bubble gum pink cover. The most entertaining thing about Cosmo (any woman’s magazine really) are the bold, exclamation pointed titles on the cover, the cheeky tinglers meant to grab attention at the grocery checkout: 

100% Hotter Sex. Thrill Every Inch of His Body Using a Move No Woman Has Dared to Try on Him Before
Totally misleading. The article inside is all about girl on top, straight and reverse cowgirl. Of course men love the cowgirl, the view is spectacular coming or going, hands are free and we do most of the work. The “never dared tried on him before” is the side saddle mount. Who doesn’t know this already? 

The New Male Sex Habit That Can Hurt a Relationship (too much solo self-pleasuring, if you’re curious). 

Your Hoo-Ha Handbook. Get a Healthy, Sexy Vagina
Hoo-Ha. Blame Grey’s Anatomy and Oprah Winfrey. Grey’s writer Shonda Grimes created a fresh and amusing at first name for the vagina in an episode where a pregnant Dr. Bailey crowns. Bailey is a balls-tough lady of medicine, a doctor for vaginas' sake, and can’t embrace her vulva?

Soon after, Deepak Oprah picked up the va-jay-jay and spread it liberally in her afternoon chat fest. Sad when strong, empowered woman refer to their magnificent vaginas with cutesy names. There are giggles associated with the pure terms for many body parts - rectum, uvula, coccyx - and the happy sex bits always end up stuck to the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

Va-jay-jay is just one of the latest in a string of silly sexual terms, joining the classic ranks of coochie, cooter, heart-shaped box (read in the Poppy Z. Brite biography of Courtney Love that in courting days she filled a heart shaped box craft box with all things lovely and gory as a gift to Kurt…intriguing and distributing to know any more detail than that). Let’s retire the va-jay-jay, wish it into the cornfield and (if still needed) run new pussy platitudes up the pole: 

Commander Bun Bun
Squeaky Fromme, the no-hair-down there, clean as whistle variety (and it’s opposite, the ZZ Top) 
Squish mitten

Next I'm looking into the editorial tone of Glamour magazine: 

Relax! 7 Reasons Guys Love You Just the Way You Are

Reason number one? Commander Bun Bun.


Lisa said...

Commander Bun Bun. That's a new one :)

justsomethoughts... said...

i'll say it loud and clear!
oh wait.
i'm a guy.

Amy said...

I vote for Squish Mitten!

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