Thursday, July 29, 2010

And I'm getting older, too

As is the annual ritual, I got new contacts this year. Not just fresh and sparkly lens hermetically sealed in tiny packets of juice but an adjusted prescription, one lens tweaked to far-far-far-away and one for a crisper up close so I can read the sushi menu through legally blind eye bulbs. I also now wear custom (and groovy, natch, metal and copper colored - almost rose) computer glasses over top of them when working at the laptop.

Huh.

Although I like the look of trendy hipster in my cat eye rims, or hot under-the-bun librarian fantasy that comes with sporting specs, the reason I wear contacts (and have since I was 15) is so I don't have to wear glasses. Another curse of getting older, the choice is no longer mine. Even that eye flap surgery where they slice a bit of the cornea off the top like peeling a grape would leave me needing computer glasses.

If it's not nipples peeking in two different directions or fighting back the inevitable jowls that sprout in mid-age on all the ladies in the family it's wearing glasses over contact lens. What the hell comes next?

I already pull on what women in the past referred to as “support garments,” stretchy camisoles under my Old Navy cotton tanks at the gym to secure the jiggle and back fat. Underneath my clothes you’ll find one piece body briefers, the sexy all-over lace variety but still I’d love to rock a bosom up, mostly sheer demi-bra without bulges (or the dreaded four boob crease) showing through the light weight fabric of a white tee or silky dress.

Where did I leave my reckless youth? All nighters and shots with a whipped cream topping. Now after a night of cocktails, I take two aspirin before going to bed. I limit raw red onions on salads. Stretch first or risk a strain.

Hold my hand when the jowls come for me.

7 comments:

The Housewife said...

Have you looked into PRK? It's like lasik without the cutting. It just reshapes the surface of the cornea.

I just got it done in June, and I went from 20/400 to 20/25, with horrible astigmatism, and it's still expected to get better!

Mmm.. shots with whipped cream topping..

Caleb said...

Wow... that was a depressing post!

You poor ladies...

Is it when this knowledge seeps in that you go on an all-out cougar style spree of trapping young men? Before the jowls?

Caleb "yet to have a cougar" Shreves

Don said...

Not just the ladies. There's one -- fortunately only one -- aspect of being under thirty I'd like to get back, and it's what the cougs are after.

Coloradocasters said...

I am sure you still look adorable. The trendy glasses look is kind of enchanting actually.

The fact you are still wearing the undergarments says a lot. At some stage women just say “%^& it” and let the sags go wherever they may.

This was meant to cheer you up with some mild flattery. (sigh) I’ll try to put more effort in my comments going forward.

Jodie Kash said...

I dunno, laser or something pointy vs. squishy eyeball??!! Still…

Goodness, I have been a bit word-focused on the getting old and out of control nips lately. And really, it's all good. I am on the right side of the grass after all. However mild flattery WILL get you everywhere.

Holy fuckballs I dislike the term “cougar,” an easy-peasy social tag given overly-tan, overly-processed blondes with big and dark brown skin exposure splotches and deep chest wrinkles. And gold jewelry. And frosty pink lipstick.

Oh, and they love the term.

The mad woman behind the blog said...

I shudder at the words "deep chest wrinkles" and " frosty pink lipstick."

I'm on an antijowl mission myself.

Loved this post. It expresses my unease at aging so much better than I could have.

You are a great writer, my dear...and I'm a sucky commenter.

Word verification "neybr" is that a 2nd grader's spelling of neighbor?

Jodie Kash said...

...or the next Brangelina kid, Neybr Jolie-Pitt?

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