Thursday, August 26, 2010

Don't feel like waking up to that

Don’t you hate when you Google an ex? But damn if you just got to.

Worse is coming across pictures of him and the new wife. Married to the man afraid to commit, so stung by former nuptials he said he’d never do it again. Even though he loved you best, for a little bit at least. The picture is of just the two of them, obviously taken by someone else. He’s leaning in, close to her lips. Her face is mostly obscured by his, only a wide and toothy grin clearly visible, and I notice the hair; very dark and almost red locks with heavy bangs that look so much like mine. They’re about to kiss.

You can definitely see the big sparkler of a clear ring on her left hand.

He said "I love you" first. He was the first to say it to me ever. I believed it but didn't say it back. Thought once you said it it stuck forever and ever and I wanted to be certain. Ah, youth.

A decade-plus-a-little later when he re-appeared (as he did every six years or so), I asked him to care for me after my Dad died. Maybe pick me up at the local airport and help me around a town I didn’t know anymore, hold my hand so I didn’t crumble into dust. He said he was busy. Had a birthday party to go to. A party for a one-year-old, not his. The kids always come first.

So at 1 a.m. I can’t sleep and more to the point I don’t seem willing to let myself. I want to stay up all night. Feels like things are ending, more to the point feels like I’m letting them and I don't feel like waking up to that.

Found my Mom has a Facebook page. She’s moved on and in with a fellow I’ve never met. They work on their yard together. I know enough to know she met him last year or so right around the time I meet my fellow.

But he wants her more.

And again I said too much.

2 comments:

Coloradocasters said...

Oh this post drenches me in sorrow over loves lost and disappointment. Facebook…some things are better left unknown. I am so sorry. You have a tremendous amount of love and happiness to offer someone. May the perfect “one” stumble onto your path and sweep you off your feet to happily ever after land…that still happens, right?

Jodie Kash said...

Gosh, didn't mean to drench you. Hope you had waders on.

Think I'm a bit too big to be swept.

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