Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Forty-f*cking-five

Realized this morning that in a couple of weeks (knock wood) I’m going to turn 45-years-old.

Forty-fucking-five.

Forty-four felt fine, a balanced double-even number that easily rolled off the tongue, 44 and feet off the floor. I don’t look my age and that’s not a haughty wish or vain compliment; most of my family is preserved like Dorian Gray. In my 20’s I looked like a teen and when I first landed a corporate, big-girl gig someone asked if I was, “One of those, you know, kid geniuses or savants. Like 'Rain Man' but not retarded.”

When I was a kid, 30 sounded old. My parents were 30 if not more and grown ups wore latex girdles, sweated yellow pit stains and sighed a lot. Nearing cuarenta y cinco I don’t see myself like that. I still wear heavy bangs and leggings and sparkly eye shadow (no glitter, glitter ends at cheer squad).

But I’m not 20. Or 30. Or 44 for much longer. The bucket list is shorter or replaced by "The Murtaugh List,” a record of the things (one believes) to be too old to do anymore. Inspired by the best and really only telly show I watch on a regular basis, How I Met Your Mother, it’s a reference to the Roger Murtaugh character from the Lethal Weapon series, whose signature phrase is, "I'm too old for this shit." Sat long and hard and without tumbling into pathos or mourning the bloom off my rose, came up with a list. A short list:
  • Get a facial piercing. I always found the “Monroe” comely.
  • Fit into a size 4. Or a 6. Fuck an 8.
  • Be the youngest in the room. Or the prettiest.
  • Wear a mini skirt. Or a choker. Or glitter eyeshadow.
But I'm also still going to:
  • Drink Guinness and fall down drunk on the cobblestones in Ireland.
  • Fall in love. Again. And again.
  • Swim with a dolphin (although I waffle on this one because, really, should dolphins be in tanks for us to straddle?)
  • Go back to New York (City, bitches). And Bermuda.
  • Possibly live there.
  • Return to the ocean, and this time be brave enough to wander into the surf.
  • Learn how to dance. Proper.
  • Learn how to play the guitar. Or bass. Or just stalk John Taylor.
  • Be proposed to. And I’ll say no.
By the way, the HIMYM episode ended thusly:
“After being drugged at a rave, Barney is finally forced to accept the reality that he is growing older and gives Ted the victory. Having re-watched the complete Lethal Weapon series, Ted realizes that Murtaugh still did the things he claimed he was too old for and decides he has more to live for than waiting to grow older.”

Okay, maybe I'll say yes.

7 comments:

The Housewife said...

HIMYM is kinda awesome, no?

I like this list of yours. I should make one too, because I think I'm too old to wear mini skirts. I need to come up with a plethora of things that I still should do.

Don said...

I'm too old to feel afraid of anyone. Doesn't mean I don't still do it.

I can still do a standing leap onto the counter top. It's my youthishness test.

Googled Monroe. It is comely, drawing attention as jewelry does to a nice body part. I've never kissed one. I guess that could be on my list

BB said...

Hum. Don't have an official list...and now I'm inspired ;)

O' Tim said...

Allow me to help get you started, my fellow '65 Virgo: WILL YOU MARRY ME?

I recommend guitar. Waited till I was forty (there's another list) and have never received a better birthday present (merchandise-wise).

Name: Destiny said...

can i just say that i never in fort-five whole years would have guessed that you are the age you are...i picture a late 20's...this shatters my entire universe just so you know haha..wow, i would say congratulations, but i specifically ask people not to say such a thing to me on my own birthday so i wouldn't dare say it to someone else. i mean congratulations on what? that i'm still alive? gee thanks, now i feel old; at this rate i'll be getting a walker for my 18th!

Jodie Kash said...

Destiny, I love you best of all.

Serious, tape your universe back together. Age has little to do with enthusiasm and spirit and connection. An interested publisher proposed shaving a decade or two off my bio age and touting me as "the cool young advice Aunt,” target audience girls your age.

Damn, she was on to something.

Jodie Kash said...

...and O'Tim. No. Okay, yes.

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