Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Monday, Monday can't trust that day

Talk about a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. Okay, well I did wake up and had the ability to walk myself down the stairs. That’s something, definitely a big something. Still the bad ones creep in here and there. Some of it stress, some of it lackadaisical attitude, some of it self-medicating. All of it my own doing.

Wish I had the truth pill to pinpoint what’s eating me. I can assume, I can guess, I can fill it with pretty words that make you think I’m deep and silently tortured in my genius.

But I think I’m simply lazy. Today is Election Tuesday and I haven’t educated myself enough on ballot issues to cast a qualified vote. Instead it may come down to bubbling in answers with a No. 2, high-school-test-taking style, which is more offensive than simply opting out. Yes, I know it’s a right, a duty even, and my guilt may get the best of me – meaning an hour pouring over the blue book (which they don’t mail anymore) instead of gearing up for deadlines due. And past due.

Is this depression or simply slacking?

I know I’m angry with myself. At my body, which I feed well and which I try to take out for exercise but which feels both foreign and painfully familiar right now. I’m angry at the number of empty wine bottles in my weekly recycling.

I’m angry that what I love the most is what I’m paid to produce on a schedule because it dilutes it. I’m angry that I don’t have a passion for it, because I’m good at it. I’m angry that I’m judged and constantly pulled. I’m angry my pants don’t button. I’m angry that I don’t bother to even get dressed most days, because I don’t have to.

I’m angry that I’m lying about what I'm angry at. Which is simply me. Angry that I think less of myself when I'm not "perfect." Angry that I think you do too.

So right now I'm going to shower and put on my big girls pants. Slap myself hard in the face then sit back down right here and put words together. Go to spin class at 5:30. Eat a sensible dinner. Call the boyfriend or best girlfriend later.

And right now I’m going to try not to cry because I don't want to. Probably don't need to if I was honest with myself.

Sometimes it just works out that way.

1 comment:

Pearl said...

On the other hand, what's more cleansing than a good cry?

You are too hard on yourself, my friend.

Now take that shower, put on something cute and, hopefully, buttons :-) and take stock in all the things that are RIGHT about you.

Because there are, you know: Things.


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